Male Pattern Badness
Aug. 20th, 2012 01:40 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ariadnes_stringYes, I am quoting from The Expendables 2, because, in the annals of bad parenting decisions, I took my son to see this blockbuster cinematic event (actually, in his book, this goes in the annals of awesome parental decisions, never mind the brain cells melted by senseless violence). Why yes, I was the only woman in the theater. The last time that happened to me, I was seeing Shame in the depths of Chelsea.
But, actually, the movie wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. And wouldn’t even as been as violent as it was if most of the guys in it hadn’t been too old to do much except plant their feet and fire machine guns (which makes for a lot of spattering blood, but not much suspense).
It was tonally bizarre, veering from hilarious (Chuck Norris shows up for pretty much the sole purpose of delivering a Chuck Norris joke) to brutal (Jean Claude Van Damme makes Albanian villagers dig for plutonium with their bare hands. He’s that mean) to unexpectedly affecting (no—I’m not going to spoil you for those parts).
There’s a moment when Stallone and the rest of the old guy team admire the sight of Liam Hemsworth sprinting up a forested hillside that’s simultaneously ridiculous, homoerotic, and genuinely poignant.
Still, those guys wouldn’t be movie stars if they couldn’t hold the screen, and they even pull off a lot of dialogue like this:
Schwartzenegger (who has run out of ammo): I’ll be back.
Willis: You’ve been back too much. I’ll be back. [Goes on the ammo run himself]
Schwartzenegger: Yippee ki yay.
The school year can’t start soon enough.
But, actually, the movie wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. And wouldn’t even as been as violent as it was if most of the guys in it hadn’t been too old to do much except plant their feet and fire machine guns (which makes for a lot of spattering blood, but not much suspense).
It was tonally bizarre, veering from hilarious (Chuck Norris shows up for pretty much the sole purpose of delivering a Chuck Norris joke) to brutal (Jean Claude Van Damme makes Albanian villagers dig for plutonium with their bare hands. He’s that mean) to unexpectedly affecting (no—I’m not going to spoil you for those parts).
There’s a moment when Stallone and the rest of the old guy team admire the sight of Liam Hemsworth sprinting up a forested hillside that’s simultaneously ridiculous, homoerotic, and genuinely poignant.
Still, those guys wouldn’t be movie stars if they couldn’t hold the screen, and they even pull off a lot of dialogue like this:
Schwartzenegger (who has run out of ammo): I’ll be back.
Willis: You’ve been back too much. I’ll be back. [Goes on the ammo run himself]
Schwartzenegger: Yippee ki yay.
The school year can’t start soon enough.
